


100 States of Being

by Otempura



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alone, Angst, Character Death, Suicide, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-01 11:12:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4017598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otempura/pseuds/Otempura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>100 Chapters all based on one state of being; the different emotions we feel and the situations we find ourselves in. <br/>05/26/2015 -Current state of being: Alone</p>
            </blockquote>





	100 States of Being

**Author's Note:**

> This particular state of being was based on a prompt that can be found here: http://fanficy-prompts.tumblr.com/tagged/quote-prompt
> 
> Prompt: Prompt: “ALONE. YES, THAT’S THE KEY WORD, THE MOST AWFUL WORD IN THE ENGLISH TONGUE. MURDER DOESN’T HOLD A CANDLE TO IT AND HELL IS ONLY A POOR SYNONYM. –Stephen King” 
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE: I do not, in fact, support suicide. Giving in to your inner demons is not an answer and no matter what you feel in this moment there is always a NEED for you in this world. You have purpose and you always matter. If you find yourself feeling down or anything like the person in this work of fiction then please seek help. There are those who care, and I promise no matter what is going on right now, life will and does get better.

Alone  
Otempura

It’s an encroaching darkness that eats at your soul; the feeling you get when you can’t draw breath and panic strikes you when you least expect it. Your chest grows tight, your stomach falls, your thoughts scramble and before you realize it you’ve grown faint with the effort of holding yourself straight.

_Lonlieness. Depression. Pain._

Thousands of faces pass you by every day, each and every one of them offering a kind word or a smile and for a short time it allows you to forget. You make it through the day, you return those smiles and you make plans for the future and yet what future do you have?

Like clockwork it happens; you let your guard down and it grabs you with its cold clammy hands. It takes your heart in a vice grip and you _remember_. You remember the fear, the lack of presence and you look around taking in all the cheerful little mementos you’ve gained to ward away that dank space in your heart: to keep it at bay…. To stop it from growing.

What is it worth? You grip the nearest surface. This is the hardest part; the questioning. What is any of this worth? This house, your goals and your dreams; does any of it have meaning?  There is no one there and there has never been anyone there, no one that cares at least.

Oh your friends, they say they love you and your friendship will never end… and yet they grow further away, don’t they? You see them less and less as the days pass by and the days and weeks between their visits grow ever longer. You remember the warmth you used to feel every time they smiled at you; you remember the _void_ they filled and how inordinately relieved you were to receive just a little attention after years of being systematically abused by your own _family_.

There is no warmth now.

Your great epic ’love’ that you looked forward to your whole life and thought you had gained in that one woman with a smile as bright as the sun and twice as lovely as any sunset went off like sparks in a myriad of colors and excitement and yet still met it’s inevitable end: you both went your separate ways.  

She thought it was amiable; you were simply too scared to chase her and lose even more of her in the blow up.

The cold digs deeper into you as your chest seizes in phantom pain as you remember her walking away.

_Emptiness. Apathy. Hopelessness._

Eventually the negative emotions sink further in and you can’t bear to go through another day while those smiling faces look on you but don’t _see._ They don’t ever see… or do they not care?

Nobody cares.

You have served your purpose in this world, haven’t you? You’ve done what you were supposed to do, and now the monotony of life has taken hold and you can’t see the point any longer. There are no villains to slay, there is no love to pursue and the ones you held most dear are getting by fine without you.

Your thoughts swirl around jumbled in your head and you bark out a mirthless laugh; a hurt, horrid thing. You want it to end. There is no point, why go on? What is there left for you here after everyone has _left_ you? Certainly not material possessions and there is no family to soothe the ever present ache in your heart.

That’s right… your family is all dead; they’ve crossed the void.

Your thoughts freeze.

You fixate on that word.

You recalculate your future and doesn’t it sound so appealing? Loneliness and a lifetime of watching others bask in their own happiness while you’re left there; a forgotten relic of a time they’d _prefer_ to forget? You’re ready for your happy ending. You’re ready for _your_ reunion with all those who have loved you and made that ultimate sacrifice. You’re ready to not feel so _alone._

_Resolve. Contentment. Hope._

Your eyes grow wide and your smile brighter as you reach down for your wand. Your breath is calm; there is no fear, not anymore. The unknown is gone, there is no more forcing yourself to go through the motions. For once, you’re finally going to be _free._

You’ve got eleven inches of holly pointed at your chest now, excitement growing until you finally close your eyes and cast one final spell…

“ _Avada Kedavra.”_

It is done.

You fall to the ground lifeless as your soul goes on its next great adventure, greeted by all those who left before you and you know what? You’re no longer _alone._


End file.
